Surfacing

It happens so quickly – the sun is there, practically blinding you, and then it’s gone.

I could spend time recapping the lessons I’ve learned, attempting to communicate them with the perfect words and metaphors, or I could get straight to the truth. I haven’t written for months because I didn’t know what to write. The passion that carried me through this crazy year has dulled to a less urgent, more gentle appreciation for Life. It did so unceremoniously, like watching rough water gradually soften to glass – not as vibrant as it once was but, rather, calm and relatively predictable. Reflecting on this situation, I recognize the irony here – the rough water, though treacherous at times, was manageable. I navigated my way through, determined to confront head on whatever swells and currents presented themselves, grateful for the opportunity to fight my way out of danger. But what do you do when the storm passes? Without a problem to solve, the answers are harder to come by.

I suppose it’s the lack of activity that draws fear. I’m well. I have no surgeries scheduled. I’ve been given the green light to live my life fully. And yet, I’m a little paralyzed by the nothingness.

I’ll always be scared of cancer but, then again, I’ll always be afraid of a lot of things. At least I can somewhat control cancer if it were ever to return. I can’t say the same about my other fears – frogs, sharks, accidentally driving off a cliff…

I read something about fear and faith – how they are the two choices we have and, depending on which we lead with, so will our life be determined. To me, faith comes easy when I am in synch with peace, with love, and with gratitude. When those things get out of synch, my faith wanes.

It’s time to move on to the next phase of my relationship with life, but first I want to take stock of the blessings that I have received this year, the first having to do with the simple fact that I am here at all, green lit, fully functioning. Gratitude. Other amazing things have evolved as well – I say no more often, I’ve stopped engaging with people who are bad for me, I recognize moments in real time, I waste less time worrying, and I take risks. I love better now, too. Gratitude.

It’s way too easy to become negative when you don’t have a compelling need to be otherwise. It creeps up on you slowly, until you are blindly consumed. Pissed off by someone’s bad driving, or irritated by someone’s bad behaviour in a restaurant, or frustrated with yourself, negative energy becomes all encompassing, breeding more of its kind as days go by. I’ve caught myself in this trap a lot lately. Life gets a little stressful and instead of breathing in the positive moments, I find myself allowing negativity into my being and manifesting itself into the way I approach the world. It’s not pretty, and it needs to stop. I need to find peace again.

Real love can only happen when you love yourself. It can only be as strong as the self love you practice. I routinely ask myself if I’m truly happy with me. If I’m not, I ask why. Love is hard sometimes and it can hurt, but it’s as vital to life as the heart where it exists. It’s like breathing – you just have to do it to survive in this world.

It’s so easy to be grateful when life bestows gift after gift upon you. Thank you for my family, my amazing boyfriend, beautiful sunsets, for music and sushi and warm days…for being alive for to experience them all…Gratitude comes easy when the threat of losing everything looms, but it can also slowly pull away. I told myself I’d wake up each day and thank the universe as my feet first touch the floor. I forget to do that sometimes now, and I shouldn’t. It’s definitely time to be grateful again. Thank you, Life.

Wellness. Eat right, get sleep, exercise, find peace. There’s no excuse in the world for turning my back on wellness. The truth is, to no take care of myself is blatantly disrespectful to whatever miracle spared me. I need to eat more kale.

So that’s it. Nothing earth shattering or even very clever, but I needed to get something out into the universe to remind myself to be better. To live better. To love myself and my people better. I’ll read my posts on occasion, to keep the reality of all that’s transpired alive. I never want the lessons I’ve learned to be in vain or to lose their value as time goes by and memories fade. I know I have more to learn. Perhaps the secret is to find peace and love and gratitude in the calm waters.

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